The Horrors of Babysitting
by Rikku Abdul
Summary: Eliwood has entrusted the two cavaliers with a very important and possibly dangerous job... babysitting his son for two whole days. No pairings. COMPLETE!
1. Screeching Cats and Cocoa Puffs

A/N: Hey, everybody! Welcome to my first ever Fire Emblem story! I just thought this would be a cute idea, because the thought of chibi Roy always gets to me! There will be a touch of AU-ness throughout this story, mostly because modern foods are mentioned, but other than that, this is pretty authentic, I think. I tried to keep the characters in-character, but I'm not sure if I did or not. You guys tell me. Oh, and during the story, it may seem like the castle's small or something, but that's just because of the part of it they're in. They're in a more private section of the castle. Anyway, enough of my jabbering! Let's get on with the story! Enjoy!

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**Chapter One**

**Screeching Cats and Cocoa Puffs**

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"Are you certain you don't mind?"

"It's quite alright," Kent assured Eliwood, "It's just one boy. I'm sure we can manage."

Eliwood turned around towards the living room, and saw his son, Roy, running about reaking havoc. He ran back and forth across the room and every now and then the sounds of various breaking objects – most likely of the valuable sort – and falling kitchen utensils landing with a loud crash could be heard from different corners of the vast area. Eliwood could even swear he heard a cat give out a loud, strangled meow. In a moment his thoughts were confirmed as a screeching cat got a hold on the carpet after being thrown and sped away with Roy on its tail. The strange thing was, Eliwood didn't own a cat. He just shook his head – he didn't want to know. This was one of the cases where he just shouldn't ask. During the whole of these events, Sain sat on the couch, eating Cocoa Puffs and watching Roy's antics as if it were some kind of horse race.

"Again," Eliwood said, turning to face Kent, "are you sure this is all right? I could get someone else to watch him, really..."

"It's fine," Kent said, "It's no trouble, Lord Eliwood." _The sooner he leaves and gets done with this meeting, the sooner we can get this over with_, he thought wearily.

"Well," Eliwood said slowly, still not convinced, "If you're sure." He looked over to where Roy was currently standing, trying to coax a defensive kitty down from the top of a tall cabinet. "Roy!"

When Roy heard his father calling for him, he had the instant impression that he had done something wrong. So, as he walked over to Eliwood, he put his hands behind his back and looked up at him with his big, blue eyes. "Yes, Daddy?" Roy asked, trying to act on his best behavior.

Eliwood just smiled, remembering trying tricks like this on his parents when he was young. He tapped his son on the head and said, "Oh, drop the cutesy innocent-little-kid act!" He knelt so that he was at the little redhead's eye level. "Now," he said, taking on a more serious, fatherly tone, "I want you to be good for Kent and Sain. Understood?"

Little lectures like this were always unnerving for Roy. Eliwood always made sure that Roy looked at him throughout, as to make sure he was paying attention. But, even when making eye contact Roy's little mind began to wander, and if his father had talked for much longer, he wouldn't have heard a word he'd said. "Yeah," Roy responded, in a slightly disappointed voice, "I understand."

"Good," Eliwood said, standing up. "Well, I guess I'll be leaving, then."

"Goodbye, Lord Eliwood," Kent said, "I hope the meeting goes well."

"Bye!" Roy said, and immediately went to Sain, who had noticed Roy's absence and followed him, and began trying to get the cereal from Sain, who retorted with, "Hey! Cocoa Puffs ain't for kids!"

Sain shoved another handful of the cereal in his mouth, and wondered why everyone was looking at him in such an odd manner. _What? _He thought, _There's more to life than just pretty ladies – when they're not present, at least. A guy's gotta have his daily five to ten servings of Cocoa Puffs, you know! Or twenty, or thirty... _He finally realized that Eliwood was about to leave.

"Oh!" Sain said, his mouth still full of Cocoa Puffs. "Bye, Eliwood!"

Kent closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. He was beginning to wonder – didn't Sain's mother ever teach him any manners? Did he even _have _a mother? Sain had not only addressed Lord Eliwood informally, but he had ended up spitting out most of the thoroughly – chewed Cocoa Puffs he had in his mouth as he bid his farewell, and Roy almost wound up with some of it in his hair. Mortified, the little boy retreated to a remote corner of the room, all the while eying Sain suspiciously. There were now lumps of brown, chewed cereal on the floor.

Eliwood shot Sain a half-discouraged, half-frightened look and left. For a moment, he'd forgotten that he'd had no choice but to recruit Kent and Sain for the job of babysitting Roy. He trusted Kent, but Sain was a bit... odd. Lyndis or Hector would have been a much better choice, and they could've if they weren't busy, but they, too, had to attend this meeting. The only other person he could entrust the job to was Marcus, but somehow Eliwood didn't think that was such a great idea. Firstly, he would likely bore Roy to death, because no matter how trustworthy, he was not the most fun person to have around. Also, Marcus was a bit harsh. The last time Eliwood had left his son in the paladin's care, he'd yelled at the boy, and Roy was crying by the time he'd gotten home. He didn't blame his son – Eliwood himself had been watched over by Marcus throughout his childhood, and a few too many times, he'd been yelled at. He meant well, but Marcus didn't have very much experience with children, and didn't seem to learn from his past situations.

Eliwood sighed. He hoped the two cavaliers could handle Roy for a full two days. They didn't have any more experience around kids than Marcus did...

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Roy ran around the living room, singing some hideous song about bologna that Sain had oh-so-conveniently taught him to keep him busy. Now the young lord announced that he needed some instruments to go along with his song, and ran into the kitchen before Kent could catch him.

This was all Sain's idea. Of course, Kent didn't mind doing a favor for Lord Eliwood – as long as it didn't involve his son. Sain had volunteered them for the job, and Kent, being the stick-to-the-code kind of knight he was, couldn't object. Now they were stuck babysitting the five-year-old terror for two days. And Roy knew that he had advantage over them, because if Kent were to yell at him or in anyway try to stop him from getting his way, he would run to his father and tell. Kent was sure that Eliwood had noticed that Roy was somewhat of a crybaby, but Kent would nevertheless be embarrassed by the situation if Roy were to complain to his father.

Suddenly, there came the sound of a soup ladle hitting a metal pan as Roy made his entrance, marching through the living room and singing in his off-key, five-year-old voice, "My bologna has a first name, it's O – S – C – A – R! My bologna has a second name, it's M – A – Y – E – R!..." Kent could feel a migraine coming on, and glared at Sain, silently cursing him for teaching him that ridiculous song. Sain, however, was rather amused by Roy's little performance, and sat on the couch with his Cocoa Puffs, happily munching and making no move to stop him. Sain finally noticed Kent's glare. At first he didn't understand, but soon deciphered what Kent wanted. _HE MUST BE AFTER THE COCOA PUFFS! _Sain glanced back and forth between the treasured cereal and Kent. _If only the tactician was here... _Sain figured in his head – he was stronger, but Kent was faster and would eventually win if he tried to resist; he could tell by the evil look Kent had on his face. Defeated he meekly held out the box a little. "Cocoa Puffs?" he offered.

Kent let out a frustrated sigh. "No, Sain, I don't want your Elimine – forsaken Cocoa Puffs! Now, will you please help me stop Lord Eliwood's son from making a total mess of the castle?"

"Calm down, my boon companion," Sain said, "What have you got against Cocoa Puffs? If you prefer Frosted Flakes, there's a box of them in the pantry..."

"Just...forget it..." Kent trailed off as he watched the screaming cat, who was wearing a bright yellow bandana that said, "I Wish I Were an Oscar Mayer Weiner" fly over Sain, barely missing his head – although Sain seemed unfazed, as though he didn't notice – and make contact with an expensive-looking lamp, which promptly fell over and broke. The cat landed with a defiant hiss and scurried off, Roy chasing it once more.

"Good shot, Roy!" Sain called after the boy, "Ten points for hitting the lampshade, buddy!" He then shoved more of the tooth decay-causing cereal into his mouth.

_It's times like this that make me wish I weren't among the living, _Kent thought, _These next two days are going to be the longest two days I've had to suffer through in my entire life._

With a grumble, Kent chased after Roy and the Oscar Mayer cat, with small hopes of catching them before they broke even more undoubtedly irreplaceable objects.

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A/N: Well, what did you guys think? I am continuing this, it's not a one-shot. Be honest with me guys! This is my first shot at writing a humor story, so I need good feedback.

(Chibi Roy comes back) Chibi Roy: R & R, please!


	2. The Power of CAFFEINE!

A/N: Hello, everybody! Thanks for the reviews! I'll say more at the end, but for now, here's chapter two of _The Horrors of Babysitting_!

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**Chapter Two**

**The Power of CAFFEINE!**

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_Sunset, _Kent thought, _finally. Now we can put Roy to bed and I can get some sleep._

He had just endured several hours worth of Roy singing/screaming songs about bologna and hot dogs, listening to the sounds of constantly-breaking things, a flying cat (who had apparently been dubbed Oscar by Sain) and Sain and his Cocoa Puffs. He couldn't wait for it to be Roy's bedtime so he'd be able to put the boy to bed and hopefully get some sleep himself.

Kent looked around in search of Roy's familiar red hair. The boy was nowhere to be found. The sounds of things breaking had stopped as well. _Maybe he's worn himself out and fallen asleep somewhere. No, that would just be too good to be true. _For some reason, Kent felt that his cereal-loving friend might have something to do with it.

"Sain," Kent said, "have you seen Roy lately?"

Sain was currently in the middle of enjoying his Cocoa Puffs, and therefore it took him a few moments to respond, or even notice Kent's presence. "Oh," he said finally, "What?"

The red-haired cavalier sighed before repeating himself. "Lord Eliwood's son," he started slowly, so Sain's Cocoa Puff-infested mind could comprehend.

"Oh, yeah, the kid," Sain said with a nod, "Whatta 'bout him?"

"Have you seen him?"

"Not since about thirty minutes ago," Sain replied.

Suddenly, the topic of their conversation came out of the kitchen, holding an EMPTY (DUN DUN DUN!) **2-LITER **COCA-COLA BOTTLE!

"Way to chug the pop, Roy!" Sain commented.

Roy had an unreadable expression on his face. It was an odd, almost evil-looking smile. Oscar crept away from him, terrified. Roy's eyes were wide, so wide that they looked as though they'd permanently be stuck that way, and Kent could swear that the little boy's stomach stuck out at least three inches than normal.

"Sain, did you give that to him?" Kent asked, unsure if he'd be able to maintain composure if he answered "yes."

"Yeah," Sain replied casually, "the kid said he was tired, so I did what any mature, responsible guardian would do – I gave him Coke!"

Sain was _anything_ but mature and responsible – Kent knew that, but he thought that he'd have a little more common sense than _this. _ But, he should've known better than to think Sain had grown up any in the last few hours. His maturity levels were represented best by the fact that he was twenty-five years old, knew both Oscar Mayer theme songs by heart, and that his favorite food was Cocoa Puffs.

"Sain," Kent seethed quietly, "do you know what you've done?"

Before Sain could reply, there came an annoying fit of giggles. Roy was laughing uncontrollably, and for no apparent reason. Oscar the cat looked threatened by this new noise, and jumped onto Sain's lap.

"It's too late," Kent said, shaking his head, "We lost him."

" 'We lost him?'" Sain repeated, confused, before he was barraged by a ton of Roy's undecipherable, super-fast questions and comments.

Roy took a deep breath. And then it began.

"I like coffee. Don't you like coffee? I think we should go get some coffee, right now. Dogs are great but cats are better, cause you can throw 'em around and they still land on their feet. Don't you think that's cool how they can land on their feet? Ya know what? My dad has a funny name: Eliwood. Don't you think that's so funny? Grandma and Gramdpa's names start with "El" too. That's weird. Don't you think that's just so weird? Lyndis is kinda a funny name too, but Hector sounds normal. Hey, did you know that Lyn and Hector are married? Lyn called you a "womanizer," Sain. What's a "womanizer?" Heh heh. Your name is funny, too. Don't you think that..."

Sain could not understand a single word Roy was saying, but it was amusing to watch. Roy continued to babble on and on. "What is this kid on?" Sain asked a bewildered Kent, who had collapsed on the couch as far away from Sain as humanly possible. "What _isn't _he on?"

Roy had gone onto yet another topic – something about how oranges are orange and pineapples are not, and about why you should never try to make Marcus' horse wear a dress. How these two topics were related, Kent didn't know. What he did know was that getting Roy to sleep now would be next to impossible.

Kent watched helplessly as the caffeine-high Roy ran into another room. A few moments later, the young lord returned wielding, or attempting to wield, one of his father's blades. Kent tried to get it away from him before he hurt himself, but Roy was recklessly swingling the sword around, and he had to dodge it. Roy struck one of the table legs with the sword and set it ablaze.

Sain nearly choked on his Cocoa Puffs. _How in Elimine's name did he do that! _It took him a moment to remember that Roy was a mamkute – a half-dragon – and had the ability to (unintentionally) set things on fire. As Kent ran to get water, the boy was put in a sort of trance as he watched the flames grow. Roy threw the sword, no longer interested in it, and pinned a a very frightened kitty to the wall by it's Oscar Mayer bandana with it. Its eyes had grown to the size of saucers.

_Great, _Kent thought as he returned with a large cup of water, _we've got a charred table let, a hole in the wall, several broken items, and from the looks of it, an almost-severed cat. Not to mention that at this rate Sain is going to consume all the food in the kitchen._

After Kent had doused the flames, Roy sat there, staring at the burnt table for a while before noticing the cat stuck to the wall. "KITTY!" he yelled, as Oscar attempted to run away, but was held back due to the fact that he was still pinned to the wall. The cat emitted a high-pitched screaming noise as Roy lunged for it.

"This is fun," Sain said, still eating his cereal, "See, Kent? I told you this would be fun!"

Kent grumbled as Sain stuck his hand into the box again and came up with nothing. He tried again, but reached nothing but crumbs. He stared at his empty hand. Sain held the box up and looked inside, but saw no Cocoa Puffs. He held the box upside down and shook it, but nothing came out.

"They're all gone..." Sain whispered.

"What are you talking about?" Kent asked, irritated and tired.

"The Cocoa Puffs..." Sain said, "...they're all gone... and Roy's gone over to the Dark Side..."

Kent was questioning the brown-haired cavalier's sanity for what must've been the millionth time that night. _There's really something wrong with him. I think he was dropped on his head a few too many times as a baby._

"This can only mean one thing..." Sain said. Suddenly, he smiled a big, cheesy smile. "It's time for Lucky Charms!"

Kent watched wordlessly as Sain went into the kitchen to get more cereal. Oscar tore around the room as Roy chased him, screaming something about how he needed a bath.

_Two more days. That's it. Just two days. _Kent closed his eyes and tried to prevent the oncoming migraine.

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A/N: Well, there ya go! Another round of _The Horrors of Babysitting_! So, whaddya think? Was it as funny this time around?

Thank you **Narakusnoone, Tempo90, rome, Gingy Mittens, random – man, Halloween Sora, The Silver Kitty, Kiriku, narugurlee 13 **and** Cool-Chan **for your reviews! Glad you guys liked it! (I feel loved! )

Hmm... yes, Serra would make things interesting. (Of course, Sain would probably just try to flirt with her or something. 0.o) Thank you, **Narakusnoone, **for that idea. Expect to see Serra in one of the next couple chapters!

I don't know who Rei and Lugh are, **Gingy Mittens, **but if you told me what Jaffar and Nino look and act like to jog my memory, they might get a cameo appearance in here somewhere. But you have to remind me what they're like, cause I'll never remember by myself!

Thank you for that idea, **Tempo90**! I think I'll use it in chapter 3 in junction with my idea to create mass havoc! What's my idea, you ask? You'll have to wait and see...

Oh, and to **narugurlee 13**: **Spoiler Alert, peeps! ** To my understanding, Ninian is Roy's mother. She's the only Fire Emblem character who qualifies, because Roy's a half dragon, and Ninian has the ability to change into a dragon. Yes, lots of support endings say that Eliwood and Lyn have a child named Roy, but it makes sense with Ninian. You can see this ending if you get level A support level between Eliwood and Ninian. She dies, but is resurrected. It's a long story. There has been a lot of disagreements about this...

Again, thanks for your reviews, and you have any ideas, you can tell me. Don't be disappointed if a certain character or something doesn't make it in or something. Remember, this is centered on Roy, Kent, and Sain.

R&R, please!


	3. Reunions & Shopping & Lyn Oh My!

A/N: Wow, twenty reviews! I'm in shock here, guys! Thanks for being so nice to me! Well, here's the story!

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**Chapter Three**

**Reunions & Shopping & Lyn- Oh My!**

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A sudden thought occurred to Eliwood as he, Lyndis, and Hector made their way towards Ostia on horseback.

"Who did you get to watch Lilina?" he asked.

Hector had the sudden look of someone who'd forgotten something, or rather someone, very important. "Uh, yeah, Lyn," Hector said, somewhat nervously, "who'd we get?"

Lyn resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Florina's watching her. She had other plans, but there was no one else available. Who's watching Roy?"

"Kent and Sain," Eliwood said.

Hector smiled. "Oh yeah. That's a two man job, isn't it?"

Eliwood laughed a little and nodded. "You might've been able to get Kent and Sain to watch Lilina, too, Lyn," he said, "Then Florina wouldn't have had to drop everything to babysit."

The green-haired blade lord grew uneasy. "Well, I suppose I could have," she said, "but, I just don't know if that'd be very smart. I mean, Kent and Sain are both very nice, but Sain... he might... Lilina..."

Hector laughed as he realized what Lyn was getting so upset about. "What, do you think Sain'd put the moves on a _five-year-old _girl!"

The marquess of Pherae tried not to laugh, but soon found himself laughing along with Hector eventually.

"Sain's not the most responsible guy I know," Hector said, attempting to breathe between fits of laughter, "but he'd know better than to try anything like that on our daughter. Kent'd stop him if he tried anything funny, anyway."

When Hector continued to laugh, Lyn pushed him so hard that he nearly fell off his horse.

"Whoa!" Hector was not expecting the surprise attack and had to grab hold of the reins and stop the horse for a moment. "Don't do that, Lyn! I'm not used to riding a horse."

"Maybe if you held onto the reins like you're supposed to..." Eliwood suggested.

"Yeah," Hector said, swiftly getting a tight hold on the reins as his wife sent him another withering glare, "that might help."

Lyn groaned in frustration. "I can't believe you're not taking this seriously, Hector!" She turned her horse around. "I'll have to miss this meeting. I'm going to go check on Lilina and Roy." She galloped off towards Castle Pherae before Eliwood could object.

"...What'd I say?" Hector wondered aloud, "Honestly, women have issues..."

Hector continued to grumble as he and his friend continued onward towards Ostia.

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Kent sighed as he made his way to the store. Roy had insisted upon a certain kind of cereal, which Sain had happened to consume the last of the night before – Cocoa Puffs. He'd had no choice but to leave Sain in charge. Kent certainly hoped that the brown-haired cavalier wouldn't do anything stupid... Now which way was the store?

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Sain stayed on the couch with his new best friends, the Lucky Charms. Roy was continuing with his usual antics, the breaking, the chasing, the throwing of innocent kitties named Oscar who wear Oscar Mayer bandanas and have unknown origins. But Sain, of course, just continued to eat his cereal, now almost half way through the box.

He sang the Lucky Charms song quietly to himself. "Hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of golden rainbows, and the red balloons..."

"Lilina!" a voice called.

Sain froze in terror. "Whozzat!" Sain asked. _Oh, no! The voices are back again! SAVE MEEE!_

He cowered a little until the owner of the voice, Florina, came into the room. "Lilina?" She called again.

Sain jumped up and instantly went into flirt-mode as he walked over to the lavender-haired pegasus knight.

"Why, hello, my fair and beauteous Florina," Sain greeted, "Can I help you with something?"

"Uh... hello, Sain..." Florina said, startled by Sain's sudden appearance. She'd gotten over her fear of men quite well over the past few years, but was still a bit uncomfortable around guys like Sain – and for good reason. "I was just looking for Lilina. H-have you seen her?"

Roy had stopped in mid havoc-wreaking to watch this. Lilina had found Oscar, who was purring when she picked him up, and then ventured over to Roy and began to watch Sain's flirtatious actions as well. Poor Florina had been backed into a corner, and couldn't seem to find a way out of the "conversation." Neither child had a clue as to what Sain was talking about. Roy shrugged and turned to Lilina.

"Hey, Lilina," Roy said to the blue-haired girl, "Wanna go break stuff?"

"Um...okay!" The two ran off with Oscar the cat to... well, "go break stuff."

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It had taken Kent nearly an hour to locate the market and finally spot the ill-placed Cocoa Puffs, clashing with onions and SPAM. _This place is seriously unorganized, _Kent thought.

As he turned to go pay for the food, Kent spotted two familiar people.

"Jaffar," the cheerful-looking girl with short green hair said, holding up a piece of paper, "I think we're lost."

Jaffar looked at the map for a moment before responding, "Nino, you're holding the map upside down."

"What! No I'm not!" Nino exclaimed, pointing to the map, "See, there's..."

As the two continued to argue, Kent paid for the cereal and left. He knew they were looking for Pherae, since Lord Eliwood had sent out letters to nearly everyone they'd fought alongside with. They were having a reunion- that's why there were so many people staying at the castle. Kent could've told them the way, but they were close – the castle was visible from the market, and besides, he couldn't leave Sain in charge any longer than he already had been. Who knew what was going on without him there?

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Serra stopped in front of the castle. _Gosh, it takes _forever _to get here... They'd better appreciate my being here, or I'll be so mad... _She looked up at a high window. She could faintly hear sounds of things breaking and falling... and was that a _cat_?

Yes, there was a cat falling from the sky. Don't ask how, don't ask why. Just know – there's a cat falling from the sky. Serra managed to catch it, somehow. The cat's eyes had grown huge. The cleric looked up to locate the source of the falling cat. She saw a small head with red hair similar to Lord Eliwood's peek out the large window, which was apparently broken.

"AAHHHHHHH!" The boy yelled suddenly. "NOOOO! Serra's here! The horror! THE HORROR!" He left his place at the window.

_Why that little!... _Serra silently fumed as she stormed into the castle in search of Roy...

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A/N: Well, there it is. How did you all like that one? Were Eliwood, Lyn, Hector, and Serra in character?

Thank you, **Rome, Tempo90, The Silver Kitty, Phoenixfire 1389, Psie, Reka, GM ace, narugurlee 13, Gingy Mittens, **and **wanchoo **for your reviews! They really made my day!

**wanchoo**- Really sorry, but I can't put Marth in this one because he's from an entirely different world than Roy. Maybe I'll have a SSBM fic out sometime, though.

**Gingy Mittens**- Here's a little Nino and Jaffar for ya! I probably won't be able to get the chaotic twins in here, cause I've got a lot a lot of characters to deal with, but I promise that N & J will get some more time in here later.

**narugurlee 13**- After reading the script to Fuiin no Tsurugi, I'm not sure if he's really a half-dragon or not. But it does seem most logical that Ninian is the mother, because Eliwood and her obviously like each other... he does have FIRE POWER in SSBM, though, so it's possible...

**Reka**- Yeah, it'd be funny if that happened, but Kent needs a chance to be a little insane once in a while. I might do that! Thanks for the idea!

**Phoenixfire 1389**- Heh... Yeah, it would make more sense for him freeze it since Ninian's an ice dragon, but in SSBM, Roy has FIRE POWER and I figured it might go into play well here.

**The Silver Kitty**- Heh heh. w00tage! I still haven't beat that darn thing in Fire Emblem... (grumbles)

**rome**- Wow... that's the most times I've seen that word used in a single sentence... If that even COUNTS as a sentence... an English teacher would yell at you. But I guess I'll take it as a compliment, though!

Well, thanks for your reviews! Feel free to share any ideas, and if you're just DYING to see a certain character, ask me to put them in. They have to be Rekka no Ken characters – just the ones from the game with Eliwood, Lyn, and Hector in it – or they just won't fit.

See ya! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! R & R please! Please point out your favorite parts and be honest!


	4. Chaos, Chaos, and MORE Chaos

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry I waited so long to update. Well, here's chapter four!

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**Chapter Four**

**Chaos, Chaos, and MORE Chaos**

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Wil entered the castle. There didn't seem to be any activity going on, though he'd heard a great deal of noise coming from upstairs. He rounded a corner and saw Serra pulling books off the bookshelves in rapid fury. Wil neared her with caution and dared to ask a question.

"Serra, what are you doing?"

The cleric turned to him, her eyes aflame, with smoke pouring out of her ears and veins popping out of her forehead. "Must find red-haired boy," she said in an odd mechanical way, "Search and destroy."

The archer made a face that can not be described with words, but only like this – 0.o – and backed away from Serra.

"Um... okay, then..."

He turned down another corridor, not caring which way he went, as long as it was away from the rabid Serra. Behind him he could hear quick footsteps, and he said a silent prayer that it wasn't the cleric...

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_Meanwhile, back at the bookcase... actually, more like thirty seconds ago, but who really gives a freakin' care!_

Kent returned with Cocoa Puffs. He saw a familiar brown-haired archer run down the hall, away from the bookcase, from which the pink-haired cleric was flinging books. He came closer. He was beginning to question his _own _sanity now. Never a good sign.

Serra turned and saw the intruder. Now, the SANE Serra would've been able to distiguish one red-head from another, but rabid-Serra could not. _Red hair-affirmative. Search and destroy! DESTROY!_

"Serra, what in Elimine's name..."

He had no time to finish, seeing as Serra tackled him approximately 2.6 milliseconds after she'd finished computing. Okay, so it's exact. Sue me! Anyway, Kent had no time to react, and since Serra had some new-found strength, he was flung backwards into the ground, barraged with multiple rather mighty punches.

Kent threw the girl off him as soon as his brain started functioning properly and ran...

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A red blur flew past Wil. _Kent! What the... _Someone nearly bowled him over soon after. Wil looked up to see Serra in hot pursuit of the cavalier. _I don't know what the heck's going on here, but I guess I'm going to find out. _

He managed to catch up with Serra, and proceeded to follow her upstairs. He got a door slammed in his face at the top of the steps. Wil could hear all sorts of things going on on the other side. First off, you guessed it, the sound of things breaking and falling, as well as a screeching cat. He could also hear someone saying, "Oh, beautiful Florina, you are like a single flower in a barren field of grass.." and someone else saying, or rather yelling, "EEEEEEEEK! Leave me ALOOOOOOONE!" He took a deep breath and reached for the doorknob, noticing for the first time the sign on the door, which read, "Welcome to the Dark Side... We have cookies! ." Wil shook his head and slowly opened the door.

"Search and destroy!" Serra screeched repetitvely as she chased Kent around the room.

"Kent, Kent, Kent," Sain said, shaking his head, "Don't run from the ones who love you. An opportunity like this doesn't come along every day, you know, especially for one like you."

Florina took this chance to escape, and scurried over to who might've been the last sane person in that room, Wil. "You have to help! I don't know what to do!"

He was surprised at how much less shy she'd come. "I don't know what to do either," he admitted, "but if we stopped Serra we could ask Kent what to do."

Florina nodded, but then looked back up at Wil. "And, um, how exactly do we do that?"

The pondered this as Erk and Rath arrived, watching the scene laid out before them with unchanged expressions. The tactician, Mark, trailed in after them. This was great, in Wil and Florina's minds. The tactician was a mastermind. The genius of all geniuses. He'd know what to do.

Mark saw the questioning looks. "What?"

"Aren't you going to help?" Wil asked, "What should we do?"

Mark thought for a moment, as though working out some UBER-GENIUS TACTICIAN plan in his head. After about five minutes straight, he proceeded to say, "To be honest with you guys, I have no freakin' clue." He reached behind him and pulled out a platter of M & M cookies. "I just came for the cookies." He stuffed a whole one in his mouth.

After a few non-descript glares, the tactician finally caved in. "Alright, alright!" He then went into his UBER-GENIUS TACTICIAN mode. "Rath, grab the pink-haired creature."

"...Serra?" He asked.

"Yes, that thing. Then bring her up to the north wall. Wil, get Kent or Roy or ANYONE with red hair, for that matter, to the south wall. Then, Rath will release the vicious beast. Wil will... heh heh... Wil will... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." Wil hit him upside the head. "Thank you. Wil, you'll have to make sure the red-head, whoever they may be, stays in position. We will then throw Erk in the middle, and Serra will stop. It's genius, GENIUS I TELL YOU!"

Erk only seemed to notice the fault in this plan until it was about to be executed. "Hey, no one asked my opinion on this plan!"

"We didn't want it," Mark said.

"I'm not doing this," he insisted, "What makes you think I have any wish to be trampled by Serra?"

"She'll stop."

"How do you know?" The mage crossed his arms in a defiant manner.

"Who was it that got you up to support level A six years ago?" The tactician asked in a know-it-all tone.

"Fine..." he grumbled.

In a matter of a few seconds, Serra was released, Kent struggled to get out of the path of Godzilla, and Erk was thrown in the middle. Thrown. Literally. By Mark, who caught him trying to "steal his cookies," when in fact he was about to run away.

Serra stopped rampaging and squeezed Erk in a tight hug. More like a vice-grip, actually. Erk cursed a couple times as Serra ranted on and on about how much she'd missed him.

Kent promptly passed out.

"So much for getting Kent's help..." Florina thought aloud.

Wil could be seen reuniting with Rath, and Serra would not release her death grip on Erk, whose expression said, "I wish I were dead. Shoot me now." Mark muched on his cookies. Florina flinched at the sight of Sain, expecting another flirt-attack, but it never came. She looked back over and saw that Sain, Roy, and Lilina were standing hand in hand. They began singing the "My Little Pony" song.

Suddenly, the door flung open, and Lyn rushed in. Everyone's "Angry Mom" senses were tingling, and so they turned instinctively towards the door. Even Kent woke up. No one was quite certain what to make of Lyn's expression, but they were scared. Oh so scared...

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A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers! I'm not going to name everyone this time, you know who you are!

As cool as it is to discuss the whole "who is Roy's mom?" thing, this isn't the place for it, so please don't send me any more reviews pertaining to that. **I repeat, DO NOT SEND ME REVIEWS ABOUT THAT!**

And about the whole fire power thing... I hadn't read all the way through the Sword of Seals script yet, so I didn't know that Roy's fire power actually came from the sword itself yet. My mistake. Just forget it happened, guys. **Don't send me reviews about this either.**

**narugurlee 13- **Here's Wil!

**sessh- **Sorry Rath didn't get much time yet. He probably will later, though.

**The Silver Kitty- **Hello! Fiora will probably show up in the next chapter.

Well, thanks for your guys' reviews! Glad you're liking the story so far! Please R&R! I hope I don't take as long updating as I did this time!


	5. Babysitting Boot Camp

A/N: Wow... it's been so long that I had to look up how I formatted this before... Uh, I'm REALLY sorry for the wait. I've been kinda busy with school lately, but really that's not a good enough excuse, so... you can be angry if you want. ' Thanks to all who've reviewed so far, especially to the couple of you who wrote emails to give me a kick in the butt. (You know who you are –winks-) Anyway, this is the fifth chapter. Only one more chapter after this. Hopefully it won't take as long as this one!

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**Chapter Five**

**Babysitting Boot Camp**

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There were simply no words to describe Lyn's facial expression. Literally. So I'm not going to bother trying to describe it. Use your own freaking imagination.

"What in Elibe's happened here?" She finally sputtered. She shot a quick glance at the guilty-looking Sain, who had Cocoa Puff/Lucky Charms remains down his front.

The green cavalier wordlessly pointed at the half-conscious Kent, who pointed at Serra, who pointed at Erk, for lack of anyone better to point at, who rolled his eyes and pointed at Roy, who pointed (rather confusedly) at Lilina, who pointed at Florina, who pointed (in a nervous manner, although I can't see how one can point nervously...) at Wil, who pointed at Rath, who shrugged and pointed to Mark. The tactician hastily pointed at Lyn, and then realized his stupidity, slapping a hand to his forehead.

"Aww, man..."

Meanwhile, Sain started singing a chorus of a self-written song titled "LOSER" with Roy and Lilina as backup singers.

Lyn groaned. "Look, I don't care whose fault it is! I just want to know what happened! Why is this place so messy?"

Kent jumped up and came over to Lyn. "Of course, Milady," he said. He then proceeded to try and explain the entire story all in one breath, sounding rather similar to how Roy had ranted during his caffeine high. He speaking far too quickly for anyone to grasp exactly what he said, but it sounded something like this:

(WARNING! DO NOT TRY TO ACTUALLY READ THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE! IF YOU DO, YOUR EYES SHALL FALL OUT AND YOU WILL GET BRAIN CRAMPS!)

(Insert deep breath here) "MasterRoywasrunningaroundbreakingthingsandsettingthingsonfireandtherewasascreechingcatandbolognasongsandSainkepteatingCocoaPuffsandthenMasterRoydrankanentiretwoliterofCokeandSainateLuckyCharmsandthenFlorinacamelookingforLilinaandIwenttogetCocoaPuffswhenIcamebackRathandWilandSerraandthetacticianwerehereandSerraattackedmeandMarkhadtoinventanUBERGENIUSTACTICIANplantostopherandthenyoucame."

Poor Kent was so nervous and out of breath that he nearly passed out. Lyn really did pass out, from the dreaded TMI—too much information. Sain ambled over to the unconscious blade lord and cautiously poked her. She didn't move. "That's not good..."

"Now who will bake more cookies?" Mark said sadly, staring at his final M&M cookie.

Everyone sat/stood in remembrance of the cookies for a moment. After a few seconds passed, Wil shouted, "Let's play UNO!" and everyone cheered (even Kent, who was beginning to go a bit loopy) and headed for the living room.

Suddenly, the door was knocked flat on the ground as a familiar woman with blue hair stepped into the room, causing the former members of Eliwood's Elite to spin around and Lyn to awaken.

She looked rather official as she peered around the room. Lyn noticed the flattened door and her eyes reduced to the size of dots as a fairly visible sweat drop appeared on her forehead. "You know, Fiora," she said, "you could've just used the handle..."

"Oh, sorry about that..."

Before anyone could question further, Sain went into his instant-flirt mode again as he strode over to the Pegasus knight. "Ah, lovely Fiora! What strength you possess! But your power is not nearly as overwhelming as your beauty is tantalizing..."

Wil nudged Kent and whispered, "Where does he get all these cheesy lines?"

The red cavalier went over to a bag of Sain's belongings and produced a book titled _The Monster Book of Uberly Super-Duper Cheesy Pick-up Lines! _There was a picture of a block of stinky, bleu cheese beneath the title.

"That explains a lot," Wil said, raising an eyebrow. He turned over the guide and read the back:

_Proven to lose a date every time! Good for a laugh! If you take this book seriously, the only thing that would be louder than your victim's screaming in horror would be the sound your hollow head would make if a rock were to make contact with your skull... which will likely occur, believe me..._

Fiora grew tired of Sain's petty rambling and hit him upside the head with the dull end of her lance. It really did make a hollow sound. Wil struggled to hold back laughter. Fiora picked up the dazed Sain by the collar and yelled, "I will not tolerate any crude behavior! Any more inappropriate remarks will get you a hundred push-ups! Do I make myself clear?"

Sain finally whimpered his response of "Yes, ma'am" and Fiora released him.

Before any questions could be raised, Fiora pulled out a whistle and blew it. Knowing that they didn't want to mess with Fiora, they instinctively lined up. She trudged back and forth in front of them, shooting them all stern glances every now and then.

"She's gone all G.I. Joe on us..." Erk muttered.

"Yeah," Sain said, "it's like Miss Elibe meets Lord Wallace."

"Alright you mangy dogs!" Fiora barked, "Listen up!"

"Excuse me," Kent stuttered in a fast undertone, "but do you really think you should address the Lady Lyn and Lilina and Master Roy in that manner?"

"I'll address them however I like, sir!" she spat, and Kent straightened. "Now, I'm gonna tell you what to do, and you're gonna do it! Clear?" She received but a few subtle, scared nods. "All right, then. Good."

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They spent the rest of the evening cleaning the castle. Eliwood and Hector would be back the next day, and Fiora was going to see to it that everything was perfect when they got back, especially since the rest of the guests would be there by then as well. Everyone was about to collapse in exhaustion when someone knocked on the newly-repaired door. Roy opened it to reveal Rebecca. She came in and observed the room in wonder. "Wow, I've never seen it so clean..."

Something in Kent's mind clicked. "Wait," he said to Rebecca, "you are Master Roy's nanny, correct?" She nodded. "And you've been here the whole time?" Another nod. "Then _why_, pray tell, weren't _you _watching him!" _I could've avoided all this! The bologna, the cats, the Cocoa Puffs, Sain!_

Rebecca tried to tell him that Lord Eliwood hadn't thought it fair that she always had to watch Roy, especially when she had her own son to watch and she was helping to prepare for all the guests they'd be having, but Kent exploded into a yelling spree before she could speak. The word choice grew from mild to severely foul.

"Whoa, Kent!" Wil tried to calm him down, "Careful. Some people in this room have virgin ears." He gestured towards Roy, Lilina, and Rebecca's son, Wolt, who had appeared in the doorway.

"Not anymore," Sain said.

"True."

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While everyone else went to play UNO, Sain went cereal hunting, only to find that there was absolutely none left. Shrugging, he went for the next edible item with a catchy jingle. He emerged from the kitchen with a tub of sour cream, singing a new song. Soon he got everyone signing the Daisy jingle along with him. The singing went well into the night, amidst the cursing of the agitated red cavalier.

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A/N: GAAAAAAAHH! Sorry this took so long, guys. I'm just SOOO lazy that it's not even funny.

Wanna know something sad? There's only gonna be one more chapter after this. (sob) Anyways... if there's some random thing you want to happen, or someone you want to make certain appears, speak now, cuz it's your last chance. I think all the characters are gonna be mentioned, but if you want someone to get some attention of their own, tell me. And as you can see, the events have grown more and more random as time went on, so pretty much ANYTHING can happen now. Hit me with the most random crap you got, so we can end this story in the most insane manner possible. (The next chapter will include a dinner scene, if that sparks any ideas...)

Well, thank you, everyone who's reviewed so far! And my gratitude really extends to those of you who actually kept tabs on this fic to keep up with it. I (heart) you guys! And again, sorry for this one being so late... Please R&R!


	6. The End of the Horror

**A/N:** WHOOOOOOOOOA! Talk about a blast from your past! It's been nearly 6—count them!—6 years since I last updated this thing! Can you believe I'm actually going to finish this thing? Well, believe it or not, I am. XD

So, I have a confession to make after reading over my story and seeing some of the lame author's notes I made… I actually didn't know who Nino and Jaffar were when I first started this story, 'cause I hadn't made it far enough in the game yet. "I'll never remember if you don't (remind me what they look like)" is possibly the stupidest thing I could come up with to say. By the time I got around to writing chapter five, I had nearly beaten the game, so I'd been far enough by then, but I just had to get that out there. Sorry for being an idiot. Oh, and sorry again for all the confusion about the sword being what caused the fire, not Roy, LOL.

Anyway, this chapter is going to start out somewhat TAME. I know that sounds nuts, but that's how it's gonna be. It's going to build up by the end, though, so just be patient. I am unfortunately not going to be able to mention every single character in the game here, but I'm happy with the line-up of characters I have going. There shall be a short scene in here that references the reviewers and their suggestions, and also a small-and-shameless plug for Vocaloid. I can't help it. (Hey, this fic is random enough for it, don't you think?)

Now, without further ado, let's finish this baby! :D

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**Chapter Six**

**The End of the Horror**

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Silence in Castle Pherae. It'd been so rare those past days that Kent thought he was dreaming when he woke. There were no new claw marks from a desperate cat's attempts to climb up the wall, in vain, to fall down and be pulled into Master Roy's arms—no cereal or anything else of the like littering the floors, either. Nothing had been broken—nothing that hadn't already been broken, at least. No screeching, no screaming, no sounds of things shattering—not even talk of cookies could be heard.

Certainly, Kent thought, he was going out of his head, for the tactician had spent most of the prior night trying to find Lady Lyndis's "secret recipe"—which did not exist, as she had told him that she'd found it on the back of an Instant Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies package, that it wasn't even a "recipe" at all. He, however, simply wouldn't have it, and had continued to search. It was hard to believe that Mark, the tactician he was, didn't understand the concept of mere _directions_. It seemed, though, that he did not.

Kent was pondering this and enjoying the silence as he rounded a corner and nearly bumped into a brown-haired someone.

"Oh, Kent, it's you," said Matthew, looking relieved. "Thought it was that dratted tactician again. He keeps asking to hire me for a mission, something about cookies?"

If Kent were an anime-style character—well, he kind of is an anime-style character, but that's beside the point—he would've sweat-dropped right about then. Maybe this wasn't over. Maybe they'd drive him to an insane asylum yet.

"Anyway, I just got here," he continued. "Man, do you ever look worn out." Then he sighed, looking a bit "worn out" himself. "Well, let's go get this over with. I'm sure _she's_ here…"

The red cavalier knew who he meant and didn't begrudge him the scorn. He'd had enough of the pink-haired cleric, himself. He crossed with Matthew into the main room and was dumbstruck. Fiora played checkers with Mark, Wil and Rath sat and discussed archery, Erk read a book, Lyn talked to Florina as she braided Lilina's hair, Oscar sat in Sain's lap and purred, Roy sat and listened to Rebecca tell a story, and Serra studied herself in a mirror, posing with her staff.

Normal. They were acting absolutely, positively normal.

"What in Elibe's gotten into you people?" He cried before he could stop himself.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up. Matthew took a slow, dragging step away from the cavalier. He was just about to make up an excuse when Nino and Jaffar entered. Silence ensued.

Sain picked up the cat from his lap and stared at it for a moment. "He's right," he said, dropping the cat. "What's _wrong_ with us? We're acting crazy!"

Suddenly the antics of the night before resumed. Roy jumped straight up from his seat and pushed Serra into the mirror, which cracked against the cleric's staff, then made a beeline for Oscar, who ran in terror. Lilina jumped up to chase her cat, pulling her surprised mother out of her chair flat onto her face. Mark, who had apparently made Fiora mad by winning at checkers, did push-ups for the watching pegasus knight while Wil and Rath took turns tossing Sain's cheesy-pick-up-line book into the air for the other to use as target practice, their poorly aimed shots scarcely missing the head of Erk, who somehow continued to read as though nothing had happened. Florina and Rebecca ran to the kitchen for cover as Sain searched for his misplaced book, and Kent just gaped.

"What have I done?" he finally managed, dropping to his knees in agony with his face in his hands. Matthew awkwardly tried to console the knight. Nino and Jaffar crossed over to them.

"You little brat!" was heard over the clamor. "You're gonna get it!" Serra screeched and tore off after the red-headed lordling.

"Kent," Nino said, "what's happening?"

He then proceeded to tell them about everything: the screeching cat, the Cocoa Puffs, the 2-liter bottle of Coke, the fire, the cheesy food jingles, the babysitting bootcamp, everything. "And there are no more cookies!" he ended, collapsing into sobs.

Jaffar looked at Matthew and Nino. They nodded, and Jaffar smacked the cavalier across the face.

Kent cleared his throat, standing up. "Thank you."

The green cavalier began yelling love poems across the room towards the kitchen as he made his way there, book in hand.

Matthew's eyes widened. "Kent," he began slowly, "is Sain on drugs?"

"Not to my knowledge," he answered. "Although he did inhale too much armor polish as a squire…"

Jaffar watched the scene unfold futher behind the knight's back. Wil stole Erk's book, the former "target" having been taken, and Erk scowled and pulled out another book from what he assumed was a giant bag of nothing but magical tomes. Lyn nursed a bleeding nose.

"Well," he said as they all turned to watch the chaos, "now what?"

Lucius entered, looking confused, and they all motioned him to come over before he was sucked into the manic mess.

"Blessed Elimine, what's happened here?"

Matthew waved the question away. "Never mind that. Can you perform an exorcism?"

"On whom?"

"On all of _them_," Matthew said, gesturing toward the crazy mob of people.

He observed them for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid that they are far beyond my reach now."

They stood in silence. Matthew blinked. "Well, crap."

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Marcus marched down the hall towards the room. Now, he'd respected Lord Eliwood's wishes by staying out of the matter so far, but when the noise erupted again late that morning, he decided he had to see what in the world was going on in there. He paused when he saw the note about the Dark Side and cookies, raised an eyebrow, then slowly opened the door.

A cat in a bandanna flew through the air. An arrow nearly hit the cat, but instead stuck in the door frame right next to the paladin's head. He walked into the room. _What in Elimine's name…_

As he observed the insanity, Sain spotted him whilst following Florina, who was in flight across the room. He shouted, "CODE RED! CODE RED!"

Everyone suddenly knew what that meant somehow and stopped what they were doing. Kent looked over and swore under his breath.

They thought they'd been in trouble when Lyn came home. They knew that was nothing when Fiora arrived. Now they realized, horror of all horrors, that _Marcus_ was here. They were doomed.

There was silence.

The tactician pulled something out from a hidden pocket in his cloak and offered it meekly to the newcomer, palm open. "Cookie?"

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The next several hours consisted of a mad dash to get dinner prepared and the castle cleaned up—again.

Both cavaliers were among those assigned to help with dinner. (Apparently all the cooks went on strike.) This cooking business bored Sain, but when he spotted a certain vegetable on the counter top, a window of opportunity opened.

Kent looked back to see the green cavalier swinging a leek back and forth and singing in gibberish. "What are you doing?"

"Well, the people said no more jingles, so I decided to go with a catchy polka tune instead."

_What people?_ Kent decided he neither wanted or needed to know, so just turned back to what he was doing.

Matthew snorted. "The people also said I should eat bean paste. I'm allergic to that crap. I've long ago stopped listening to the people."

"What people?" Kent voiced aloud this time, looking back and forth between the bemused Matthew and the humming Sain.

"Our fans, my boon companion! Don't you know?" said the leek-swinging cavalier.

The red knight shook his head. "Are you sure you didn't EAT the armor polish, too?"

He nodded in response. "Quite. Though I think I ate Play-Doh once."

While Matthew and Sain launched into a discussion about the inedible objects they'd ingested, Kent turned back to his work with a sigh.

Dinner was as to be expected—that is, so horrible that Kent made Sain promise never to speak of that night again.

It mostly consisted of the usual malarkey. I won't bore you with the details. But it may be note-worthy that Mark, with his other-wordly knowledge, set up the topic for discussion that night—something called the Casey Anthony trial. The whole crew spent the entire night shouting back and forth about these people they knew nothing about, passionately spitting their words across the table at one another. Only Kent and the kids abstained—Eliwood and Hector, never having caught the insanity virus, were also rather uninvolved with the conversation, wondering what in the world was the matter with their guests. (Hector leaned over to Eliwood at one point and said, "Remind me again why we maintain contact with these people?", to which the marquess of Pherae replied dryly, "We owe them our lives.")

After a long and rather draining evening, Kent found himself shaking hands with Lord Eliwood. It's all over, he realized—and thanks to the help of a certain paladin, they'd gotten everything shaped up and back to normal by the time the two marquesses had arrived at the castle.

"Are you sure you won't stay the night?" Eliwood asked as Kent and Sain picked up their belongings. "It's an awfully long ride back."

"It's quite all right, Lord Eliwood," Kent answered. "I'm sure we'll manage."

Roy joined his father, holding a now-complacent Oscar in his arms, grinning from ear to ear with his blue eyes sparkling. "Come back soon!" he pleaded.

"Sure, little guy!" said Sain, and the red cavalier began to feel sick and pick up his things even faster. The horrors of babysitting had worn him down to the point that he wished never to see the boy again, as awful as it sounded.

"Oh, speaking of that," said Lyndis, "since you two did such a wonderful job looking after Roy, would you two mind watching Lilina next week?"

_Oh, no_. "Not at all!" said Sain, looking to his red-armored friend.

But then, how could he, a stick-to-the-code knight, refuse? He took a deep breath and said:

"Lady Lyndis, it would be my pleasure."

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**A/N:** So, that's it! Six years later, and I've come back and finished it! I think it was kind of a lame ending, but meh. At least I finished it! For the first time in my life, I've finished a chaptered story! :D I'm just so glad it's done!

If anyone, by any miracle, is still out there from when I first started writing this fic, thank you for all your reviews and kind words! This story is dedicated to you!

Now, I'm off to ponder Vocaloid fic plots. Hope you've enjoyed!


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